Some of you may know that my mom fell and broke her arm last month. No, not that arm — the other arm. That’s right…my mom has two broken arms right now. Guess what? When you have two broken arms, the hospital doesn’t send you home — they send you to rehab. So, in honor of Mom, here are the Top Ten Things to Know about Rehab.
10. Some guy will be pulling your pants down and back up every time you need to use the toilet. Rehabs are less gender-sensitive and more touchy-feely than the TSA.
9. Just in case you still have some modesty left after the toilet experience, the same guy will be undressing you for your shower and hanging out to make sure you’re able to scrub your body clean. If you aren’t, he’ll be helping you out.
8. Occupational therapy = housework or games. Don’t piss off the therapist or you’ll be washing dishes and folding clothes while everyone else is playing Yahtzee.
7. The next time someone accuses you of wasting time playing games, just tell them it’s your occupational therapy.
6. If you want to avoid having a roommate, set the air conditioning to seventy and watch TV at random times in the middle of the night. If you aren’t alone from the start, you soon will be!
5. The best place for your many flower arrangements is on the ledge of the air conditioner — another reason to keep the temperature down and the roommates out.
4. Diabetics: you know that blood-sugar thing you’ve been more or less ignoring? Yeah…they don’t ignore it in rehab. Be prepared to have the tips of your fingers converted to pincushions. On the plus side, the doctors may discover the proper combination of drugs to keep your sugars in check.
3. The food is surprisingly good, and your friends and family can eat with you on the cheap.
2. If the rehab staff is buzzing about the main item on the lunch menu, trust them: they have been in the facility longer than you have.
And the Number One lesson learned in rehab is:
If you want to feel better about your life, talk to other rehab patients. Chances are good that something worse happened to them.